Trashed TimeLord
by RebelDrFerguson
Summary: Crack Prompt: "it's 4 am and I'm drunk as f*** in a McDonalds and you have been watching my trying to eat this burger for 30 minutes" (contains bad language)


___**CRACK PROMPT: "its 4 am and I'm drunk as fuck in a McDonalds and you have been watching my trying to eat this burger for 30 minutes"**_

Jack loved to party. The Time lord should have known that when he read the coordinates the Time agent had sent him. Megalonpartypaooloza was thee official party planet of party planets.

The drinks were so thick and toxic alcohol wise that just one pint of any cocktail and a human would feel as if it had drunk a litre of tequila! Even Gallifreyans needed to be careful. But an Immortal like Jack, party hard, die, wake up, party harder with no side effects.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

The Doctor spun on his heels as he entered the first building which Jack has listed to meet him in.  
Jack, River, Vastra, Jenny even Strax and PSI with a few others all stood by a huge table with a banner saying Happy 2101 birthday Doctor!  
For as much as he'd never fussed with birthdays, when PSI gave him a second Tardis coloured cocktail drink, this birthday just seemed to get better and better and better...when did the sky go that lovely purple?

Lion people are great aren't they? This song is awesome I could dance all night! Was that a Tattoo shop, ha, that didn't even hurt...What did you just call my wife you green faced turtle bastard! Time to sit the fuck down! Get it cause I hit you with a stool!

As the night wore on the Time Lord seem to hit a record in shots against River and learnt that he was more flexible that he first recalled because his dance moves were impressive to the point of River fighting off admires.

Jack had just died for the third time in a row in shots showdown against Strax when the Time Lord found himself making lame excuses and ditching the party goers for his beloved ship. He stumbled and giggled his way to where he parked his blue box before slumping into the console and pulling the lever.  
The rock of the ship lulled the drunk Time Lord to sleep on the floor and he only awoke to his stomach growling.

"Urgh...wha-" he slowly looked about blinking trying to determined just where he was and what creature was making such a racket. As the lights of his ship began to register he noticed the silence and the fact they had landed. But...where? He'd not put in any coordinates.

Shuffling weak to his knees he crawled to the door and pulled himself up on the rails swallowing back the nausea. Opening the doors he found himself in the dark, in a car park, in London. As his brain whirred back into action he stepped around the box. He was indeed in London, in a MacDonald's car park. The smell of the greasy fast food made his stomach growl again.

When did he last eat? How long had he been unconscious? Stumbling back inside he grabbed the screen. 3.36am, Earth, London. He relaxed and gave a few deep breaths. When his stomach practically roared again he wobbled over to his jacket and haphazardly tugged it on. It took him three tries but eventually, he could check his pockets for some money and staggered into the fast food joint.

The place was empty except for 2 girls at the counter and truck driver eating a Big Mac by the window.

He tried to focus on the order board for a moment thinking about the fat contents but in the end just order 4 double cheeseburgers and a coffee. Slumping down at the table with the tray. He leant his head on the cool marble and laughed to himself. 2101 and he was as wasted as a badger on...well...the mother of all tequilas he guessed.  
As he ripped the paper wrap on one of the burgers and shoved the sauce and cheese covered beef patty into his mouth messily, his thoughts drifted to Clara. Where was she? Would she be asleep? Shame she hadn't been with him, that would have been fun.

As the first burger went down and the coffee began to run the worst of the alcohol off, he shrugged his coat off and pulled free his phone. It took him ten minutes and almost all the coffee before he could get his brain to make sense again of the bright screen and buttons.

Video Calling...Clara Oswald...

Clara: "Doctor? Its...like 4am what...are you okay?"

Any questions his companion had stopped dead at his grin. That stupid huge 1000 watt smile. It was so rare he smiled that Clara even though half asleep found herself smiling back.

Clara: "Where are you, you idiot?" she laughed as he tried to wipe away the ketchup on his chin.

"In a MacDonald's...I...I've been on Megaldonpoo-poosa! he laughed making the truck driver across the other side of the restaurant glance over confused.  
Clara sat up in bed and eyed the Time Lord on her small phone screen, "Are you drunk? oh my god you are!" she giggled shuffling from the covers. "Which MacDonald's, I'll come get you, can't afford you drink driving a spaceship!"

The Time Lord looked out the window trying to guess. The KingPin Bowling alley sign sparked a memory. "I'm by the bowl place...that King thing"

Oh, so he wasn't too far away then, if she walked quickly she could maybe bring him and direct the ship to her place instead of getting a taxi.

Though went she saw the rain she went back to her taxi plan. Keeping him on the phone she pulled on some clothes and made a dash for the taxi rank on the main street.  
"So...why did you go to MegaldonPartypaoloza?" she asked once the driver had set off for the bowling alley.

The Time Lord fought to talk around a mouthful of burger and ended up with more ketchup on face before giving her another 1000 watt grin and half shouting  
"ITS MA BIRTHDAY!"

It took a lot of Clara's will power to fight from laughter. He was so childishly happy right now. It was a lovely change from Mr Grumpy stick insect. "Jack and PS..I...and Strax! They all were there! They even got me presents!" he said pulling up his shirt sleeve and showing her a bit clumsily the new watch he was sporting.

Clara pursed her lips in thought wondering why he'd not mentioned his birthday.

"I didn't even know it was today!"

Ah that's why.

"The big 2010!..no wait...210 AND 1!" he said in an 'I'm trying to be serious' sort of tone which was ruined by the finger he held at the phone that punctuated the one. Clara let a giggle slip and the driver looked back at her in the rear-view.

"Your boyfriend?" he asked, the old fella smiled almost knowingly.

Clara paused but then nodded as she watched the Doctor try and eat more of his third burger. "Yeah...my...boyfriend"

Just he's no ordinary boyfriends he's a drunk 2101 year old Gallifreyan with two hearts and the face of a 50 year old man that he rescued from Pompeii...  
"I missed you" the Time Lord muttered as he finished his coffee and tried to clean his chin with a napkin.

"Well I'll be...scrap that, I'm practically here..." she smiled leaning over to the driver to hand him a ten pound note, and made her way over the road to the MacDonald's.  
The Time Lord stopped looking at his phone now and began looking out of the window trying to spot her as he munched the fourth burger. He waved at her as she entered the building.

"Hello"

"Hey Doctor Disco" she laughed again as she read the name tag stick that was stuck to his shirt at an awkward angle. The Time Lord smiled again, "That's my name don't wear it out"

Sitting down Clara took one of the wet hand wipes packets and set about cleaning the smudges of sauce on the Time lord chin that he'd missed. "Do you want my present now?" she smirked lent over him. The Doctor gave her a puppy look of befuddlement before she lent in a claimed his lips in a sweet kiss.

His body shifted to auto pilot and the burger slipped from his fingers and thumped to the table as he leant into the kiss. This only confirmed his inner suspicious he was addicted to this tiny human. Because she sparked his body into mayhem more than any drug or alcohol.

He tasted of ketchup and fried onions, of blueberries and alcohol and smelt of sweat and metal but she'd have it no other way.

"You going to finish that?" she asked as she sat back down seeing him stare at her lovingly having lost all interest in his food.  
"I'm not hungry anymore..."  
"Want to go home?" she smiled as he looked down at himself like he'd just had a cold shower and had come back to his senses. His silent nod was all she got and the two cleared up before she helped him back to his blue box.

The Time Lord still stumbled to the console but this time managed to punch in the command to Clara flat.

Clara had to move quickly to grab his arm and waist to steady him as it set off and they both sunk to the floor laughing.

"The driver thought you were my boyfriend" she said lamely as she set her head on his chest and listened to his hearts.

"Clara..."

"Yeah?"

"I..." he lost his train of thought but when she looked back to him he found words again.

"Do you want me to be your boyfriend?"

His companion smiled and buried her head in his side shyly. Yeah, sure she was dating a 2101 year old alien...

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?" she then asked back and he shrugged pulling a comical face making her split into laughter. As the Time Lord shifted to get up, his shirt pulled from his trousers and rode up flashing Clara the view of a new tattoo on The Doctor's lower back.

"Oh my gods...what did you-" she stopped when she spotted what it said.

My Clara

"Did you get that for me?" she smirked biting her lip.

The blush that crossed his face ended those questions and offered her the only answer.

Why be your boyfriend when we're practically married.


End file.
